Tuesday, March 25, 2008

What Really Grinds My Gears... (Vol. 1)

1) Laundry

Come on now! Is there a more laborious, less rewarding task?!?


Even dishwashing has that weird - 'fall into a Zen state' thing going for it. I mean, with laundry its such a process!

This guy totally has the right idea. I mean, to do the most basic tasks is probably a mission for him; and you know what the first task he quit wasting his time on was??
That's right!

First you've got to go and grab all those dirty socks and underwear off the floor that have been sitting in a relatively large (yet peaceful) pile in the corner of your room for the last month or so (i'm on a lunar wash cycle - every full moon). Then, as you're stirring up all this crazy dust/odor, you realize it's nature's way of saying:

"Hey man, just chill. Go watch some TV or some shit. You don't want to mess with us; it's not going to be fun."

Then you've got to carry all of these dirty/smelly unmentionables and try and stuff them into the washing machine. [*BTW, the first hint that you're dealing w/ a laborious process is finding out there's more than one machine involved!]   

Of course, when you try to fit everything in, there isn't enough room; ever!  And its not like there's just not enough room for everything to fit and you can do another healthy load.  Nope.  The 'hurtful to your soul' powers that be always work the angles in some way that the next load you're going to have to wash is just for that last pair of pants and two shirts.  

By now, the soapy water has filled up in the washer, and there's no way you're going to pull some of those wet clothes out to even-up the two loads.   So usually those socially awkward clothes go back to their corner to await the next full moon.
[*Note: The nerd/loner clothes are way more aggravating when you have to do laundry at a laundromat.  Are you really going to pay an extra $2.00 to wash them?!]

Now then, . . . so we've got most of the clothes washing.  This part is lame because the wash process is not that long, but just long enough that you can't really do much else in that time.  I made the mistake of trying to fit in a shower -- but that wasn't the best idea as the washer was using the hot water (Warm/Cold to be exact).  

Other failed mini-activities include: 
1) Spending 10 minutes trying to find any mildly interesting television show and only finding commercials featuring people that don't have to do their own laundry.
2) Making a sandwich.  By the time you are about to enjoy it, the washing machine finishes and you have the choice between eating and having to think about your clothes getting moldy; or handling wet clothes and returning to your sandwich smelling like detergent.
3) Watching water boil.  

Next step is carrying your wet clothes to the dryer.  

Tell me, is it just me or isn't it true that always during this transfer-process something, be it a sock or underwear, falls on the ground.  You've got to be some crazy Indiana Jones/Ninja Warrior to avoid dropage.

Well, you can pretty much kiss that article of clothing goodbye, because in its moist spongey state, it just managed to pick up all sorts of dust, hair, bugs, silt and trash, that for some reason collect around the dryer like moths to a lamp.  The only possible salvation comes if you have another load to do -- because having a wet (and now dirty) sponge chilling in the corner of your room waiting for the moon . . . .. pretty much not a deal-sealer for the ladies.

Now, the dryer is like the cool co-worker at Kinko's.  'Cool' in the sense that you can pull a: 
"Hey man, I'm gonna grab a bite to eat for a second and then I have to run to the post office.  When you're done with whatever you're doing, could you go ahead and jump on that project I was working on.  It has to get done by 3pm.  Thanks champ!"
And then you can go off on a 2-hour lunch break, or catch a movie.
The catch with the dryer is that a lot of the time, one run on it will leave most stuff damp -- so you kinda can't avoid it for too long, or you run the risk of pulling a 'whole-dayer'.

The last process is not the worst in the bunch, but its bad enough that i'd rather pay you $20 to do it.  Fine, $15!  

At least w/ folding/stacking you are actively doing something.  You get to zone out for an hour; check out some clothes you don't remember owning.  It's like thrift shoplifting in your own home.  

By now, you're a couple hours from where you began, but not yet finished.  You're gonna be tired/bored/anxious -- so then you have to take a shower and put on some your hard-earned clean clothes. 

Now, you may say that in this final step lies the 'reward'.  But the whole notion of pleasure derived from putting on old clean clothes is . . . bullshit.  Let me give you a little piece of advice that will increase your happiness w/ a lifetime warranty:


Buy them.  


There is NO, and I mean ZERO, comparison between the pleasures of putting on brand new fresh straight-out-of-the-package socks and a pair of used, yet clean, socks.  None!  You should buy socks like you buy bread.  In fact, if any grocery store employees are reading this --- if you want a raise, forward this idea to your boss.  Aisle 13: Socks and Underwear!
That said, maybe you should go ahead and 'update' your wardrobe as well.  Those raggedy-ass T-shirts you've been wearing (inside-out) since '99 fit you like a bell.  
Someone had to tell you.  
You're welcome.

Eddie Hodges - Ain't Gonna Wash For A Week


luis said...

the secret is to put everything in the washer at once. but they key to this is to have exactly 2 weeks worth of underwear and socks. then u know when u are in need of washing and they always fit in the machine. i mean always.

they do sell ready made sandwiches at the grocery store


Darko said...

You don't have to immediately switch the wash to the dryer once its finished... enjoy your sandwhich, the wet clothes will still be there.