Sunday, April 4, 2010

Notchyo Cheeze

Depending on how much we get along, you get between one and two strikes when recommending a movie to me. I watch a lot of movies, so I am usually always interested in hearing about a good movie someone has recently seen. But, when you tell me to go see something, and it turns out shit, you've just been dropped off at the bottom of the Grand Canyon of credibility.

See the thing is, almost every night for the past year I will watch a movie before I go to bed. Now whatever movie it is that I am watching is this very important period will affect my sleep and overall world view the next morning. So, much like the 10 star scale, I've devised my own qualifications for a good/bad movie. Now, this scale changes completely when I actually go out to the movies; because, lets face it, if I'm spending ~$28+(can't forget about the nachos) to go see a movie with somebody, you're looking at lose/lose/homerun. The scale also changes when it's a recommendation from somebody that I'd like to give the benefit of the doubt -- usually first-time recommenders.

Great movie = Stayed up the entire film, and had to start another movie afterwards to get to sleep. Will wake up tomorrow thinking about it.
Good movie = Watched and enjoyed most of the movie, but fell asleep somewhere. Will watch the rest of it in the morning, or next bedtime.
Ok movie = Watched it inattentively while I was surfing the intertubes til I fell asleep. Won't bother watching it later to see what happens with that K9 cop.
Bad movie = Watched it til I turned the volume down to an incoherent rabble, rolled over, and went to bed.
Horrible movie = So bad, that rolling over to go to sleep won't help. I can't go to sleep while this piece of crap is still on. Have to stop it, and put something else on.

That could be you.

Now if you make a bad recommendation, and find yourself in the pit of despair, maybe sometime later you happen to bring up a movie we share favor towards. Well, when that happens, depending on the egregiousness of your last recommendation, I may offer you an air rescue out of the gorge of credibility whoredom, and grant you temporary clemency. If your later suggestion disappoints again, we can still be friends, but lets just not have you speak about movies ever again. K'thx.

Below are three movie recommendations by two friends of mine. But before you read that, just know that this new Repo Men movie with Jude Law, you can pass it. I'd suggest watching Repo Man and a dozen other films before that one. Just to insure you won't need to see it, he receives a blow to his head and is put on a life-support paradise contraption, but you find that out after you realize the last two hours were still a waste of your time. Its a juice-o-matic version of a dystopian world that fans of Vanilla Sky (the one w/ the Scientologist) would be familiar with and might even enjoy.

Recommendation: Shutter Island

"Shhh, don't bring this movie up in public."

Now, I did watch the whole thing as I consider Jimmy a pretty bright guy, and figured his discerning taste in most things, would likely apply to film as well. Eh, no. Not a horrible film, no. But bad enough that the next recommendation will have a sour welcome.

Recommendation: The Happening & Jarhead
Recommender: Induce

They look as bored as I was. Sorry guys, I could leave the theater, this shit is your life's work.

You notice I've listed two movies. If you've seen one or the other, you'll understand why I now no longer take any recommendations, or for that matter any criticism/commentary, on films from Induce anymore. Garbage. I even saw these in the theater. The Happening I had to walk out of. I don't think nailing my feet to the floor could have kept me 5 minutes longer. "Oooh, the trees are blowing in the wind . . . *wind noises*."
Jarhead I sat through, as Induce had fervently presented his case to me that this was a masterpiece of filmmaking and cinematography; "The Full Metal Jacket of our generation. It's dope, you gotta see it!"

Hmm, maybe I did miss the angle they were going for: 'Steamy Shirtless Santa With A Gun' fans.

--Conversation after seeing it:
C: "Dude, really? I was not into the movie."
I: "Nah yo, that shit was ill. It totally captured how war is. You probably just wanted some shoot 'me up Rambo shit. Aw man, you just don't get it."
C: "No, I think I get it. Something along the lines of war being long arduous times of boredom set against brief moments of sheer terror/action. Except this movie just makes it about the boredom, with two guys walking around bored as shit, and I'm sitting there having spent $12 watching em."
I: "But that's the point!"
C: "Yeah, well writing with a pencil with as dull a point as that, all I would get is a smear of crap and shit on my hands. Next!"

And for those that might be put off by the naysaying movie reviews, the last movie I strongly recommended was The Hurt Locker. Get on my level.

That said, please feel free to recommend some good movies. Last one I watched was Slammin Salmon; done by the Broken Lizard guys (the ones responsible for Supertroopers and Beerfest -- that should give you some indication of what to expect.) Not worth your $, but worth a d/l.
EDIT: Knock Slammin Salmon down your list and go see How to Train Your Dragon. I'll go ahead and give that an 8.5 out of 10. Of course you've got to see it in 3D. Realize that it is a 'family' movie, but its got jokes (breastplate) and feels like you've been on a roller coaster.

Chill Rob G - Let the Words Flow

Jadakiss ft Swizz Beatz - Who's Real (Contra Intro/Outro Edit)

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