Sunday, April 18, 2010

Ultimate Surrender

This looks like fun...
God, are you there? It's me, Doormouse.
Miami, you have eaten my musical soul. Sucked it dry, spit it out. I am not discouraged. Everything has come full circle. Club land is almost 100% a thing of the past, knock on wood. I am able to purchase music and enjoy it. I am able to live life and wake up in the morning with a purpose. Scene status is reserved for those who can power clean 225 for reps and touch a 20 foot ceiling without using feet.
You can match beats? WOW! You can stay awake get trashed AND match beats? WOW & WOWER! You can do all of the above and give enough Iron Grip Hand Jobs (TM) to land a few gigs? (kneels and bows). Hey, do you use Serato, play the same hitz as Jimmy and Rico but have the wear with all to hang out longer and listen to some guy with a hat tell you about his big plans for the next 'party'?

To make things easier and to remind myself that easy cash is hooker money, here is a gem from the past that hasn't seen the light of day for a couple of years....take a deep breath now.

Okay, fat chicks, please stop requesting Trina's new song 'Single Again'. You're not single again, you just got ass raped in the Lounge bathroom, again. That is not a relationship. That is a business transaction for another Long Island date rape Tea. No, I don't have it, will never have it. When you ask why, I really want to puke on your over exposed cleavage, but I also want to keep my job so I'll just tell you that i forgot to download it. WHUPS! I FORGOT TO DOWNLOAD IT....on your fucking face. Get a life. And please come back and spend your minimum wage Burger King paycheck.
Also, middle aged guys with a gut and a goatee, please don't ask me for some 'breakdance, y'know, wikki wikki wikki n shit'. No, I don't know...I mean, I do, but I'm playing a solid set of roots... music I actually don't mind and I'm forgetting where I am for 10 minutes you fuck. Sorry, I mean, "Oh yeah, I'll get that right on".Breakdance your ass off you crippled excuse for a human being with a life.Speaking of backbreaking, don't make a request and tell me you're going to give me 10 bucks to play it and then give me 7. Fuck sake, 7 is not 10. Thank you Miami-Dade school system for manufacturing some of the most impressive reasons to keep abortion legal. Jesus saves, etc.
Still on breakdancing...Sunday Andy Smith from Portishead played at the Lounge. Who cares. I checked out about 5 minutes of 'UK breakbeat' after I was forced to get off of my chair (in my underwear, watching MMA eating a salad) in order to fix a sound issue. "I can't get no sound in the headphones". Look, next time, stay home and figure out how a MOTHERFUCKING DJ mixer works. Turntables plug into the PHONO jacks. They have a different IMPEDANCE than line levels. You'll actually get a signal and I won't have to get off of my ass and bring an extra turntable from my set up because you think one is acting 'sticky'. Jesus, you can't DJ your way out of an HIV positive cat's ass. STAY HOME AND PRACTICE. This goes for all of you wack ass suck-n-fuck cociane whore DJ's...pretty much 98.9% of Miami....Stay home, do yourself a favor.
Ah, whatever. This city wouldn't know quality unless it was served with free drinks and syphilis. Then it'd be something familiar.
...and still with the breakdancing...
If you're gonna have a 'rapper' 'band'', please leave Kenny G and the Jamsters out of it. If I wanted to hear smooth jazz improvised poorly with 'yo, here we go, we're in the flow and you know that we blow, yiggidy yoyoyo' I'd put on an US3 record and send more hate mail to Blue Note.
Also, to the guys in the parking lot, that was the best fight I've seen, EVER!!! seriously, it made me sick to my stomach. Foot stomp to the face? check. Knee to the head? check (multiple) Full force hip toss? check. Piledriver onto asphalt? oh yes. And that was just the first minute. But a word to the guy that caught the worst (not that there was a best)...try not saying 'Is that all you got?' over and over. That's why you got choked out in the end and had to have the fight stopped while you tried to walk away and got melon punched over and over...You were out of gas from talking so much. But really, kudo's for the broken bones, concussion's, split faces and brain damage. Very entertaining. When you asked 'how did I do, did I win...' I wasn't sure if you meant in life or the fight. Either way, I don't think there were any winners there. Good luck with that long term memory loss.I'm gonna go rest all day and race tomorrow.
See you in the club.

Good to see you yesterday Andrew & Jake. Swing in anytime.

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